Thoughts on the big transition

I wrote this soon after the girls started kindergarten:

And so the letting go process has begun; my babies are in kindergarten. I've sent them out there to experience this world without my protection. Everyone says, they will be fine. I know they will be fine. I really believe they will like kindergarten. What I don't know is how to truly articulate my concerns which seem to run a bit deeper than whether or not they are fine. I think I'm having separation anxiety, not wanting to release them quite yet.

Needless to say, I'm a wee bit emotional over this big transition. It's not that bad... like I wouldn't break down or anything upon seeing a Wal-Mart commercial where the mom is helping her daughter decorate her college dorm room. Oh wait, that commercial made me um...cry. Perhaps it is worse than I thought! Maybe I've just been having way too many thoughts on the whole "kindergarten" subject and haven't been able to process them yet. Maybe I can start working through some of this today.

Kindergarten is such a milestone in their little lives. Until this point, they have pretty much been home with me every day, with lots of freedom...with lots of encouragement to be who they are and to explore their interests. They have been cherished. They have been loved completely for just being them. There have never been and will never be any conditions on my love for them. And now they are entering a world full of conditions. It's a hard pill to swallow. On one hand, I want them out there experiencing the school community and every wonderful thing that goes along with it. I want them making new friends, learning new and exciting things, reading and playing and making projects. I want them to come home with stories from the classroom. I love hearing about their days and knowing they are enjoying being part of something bigger than our family. On the other hand, I'm not sure I'm ready for Kate coming home and telling me that someone doesn't have a daddy because he was killed in war. What's war, Mom? Or hearing that Gracie didn't do her math paper because she was sleeping past the designated rest time. It just breaks my heart a little to know that my sensitive little one who needs her sleep and alone time is overwhelmed by the all day, every day structure of this school world. Can't we have Wednesdays off or something? :)

I am fully capable of comprehending that I need to let them go a little. I mean, it's logical to think that if you fill them up with everything good, their strength of character will prevail in difficult situations. You provide the wings that allow them to fly. I get that, really. I just think there is a fine balance as to when you should push them out of the nest, so to speak, and when they are truly ready to fly on their own. Of course being in kindergarten isn't truly being on their own, but it's a definite nudge out of the nest.

Since I have chosen not to homeschool, I need some reassurance that I am making the best decision for them. I guess I need to determine what it is I want most for them out of this school experience. On a questionnaire sent home the first day, the teacher asked: What are your goals for your child this year, both socially and academically? I answered I would love for [Kate/Gracie] to continue to develop her love for learning in a safe, nurturing environment. I want her to feel like she is an important part of the classroom community and to respect the other members of this community. I think at the end of the year I should evaluate this goal. If they are still curious, enthusiastic learners who feel respected for who they are and who respect others for who they are, I should feel satisfied. It's easier said than done, I'm sure, but being at peace with the decisions I've made for my children is important to me. I just want these precious little birds to have the strongest wings possible. This life is hard.